All opinions expressed in this article are those of the person quoted and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the other team members or ESC United as a whole.
As the saying goes, they saved the best for last. That is certainly true for Eurovision national selections, as Portugal’s beloved Festival da Canção is usual amongst the very last of the season.
Various members of the ESC United team have reviewed hundreds of national selection entries this season, and though snarky words have been uttered at some, it is a discussion we have enjoyed having and we hope you have too.
For the Portuguese selection, we have assembled four barely qualified yokels to cast aspersions on the hopes and dreams on one nation’s singers, songwriters and performers.
For Festival da Canção, Tyler Griffith from New Mexico, James Maude from California, Boris Meersman from Belgium, and David Popescu from Denmark have reviewed each Semi-Final, and collectively, we will anoint an artist we feel is worthy to represent Portugal at Eurovision 2024. Since we rarely get the winner right, we at least hope it is scant consolation for our nominee.
But I hope the nominee knows that all three of our panelists enjoy this particular national selection, and despite never accurately nailing exactly what “fado” is, we appreciate it when we hear it.
In order of appearance at the Festival da Canção’s Semi-Final 1, here are our reviews. The rankings will be listed at the end of this article.
Nena – “Teorias da conspiraçã”
Boris – 7 – “The title of this song is misleading – you would expect a song called “Conspiracy Theories” to be rancid and problematic, but it’s actually quite lovely. “Teorias da conspiração” is a heartfelt pledge from Nena to her love that she is going to take it easy, the titular conspiracy theory being that life needs to be forced and rushed. It’s not the most exciting song around, but nevertheless a sweet message worth appreciating.”
David – 2 – “It’s a sweet melody here, but that’s all I really can say. Harmless and sweet, but really, what else? I don’t mind the song, but I’m struggling to keep it in my mind.”
James – 7.5 – “Normally when a song called “Conspiracy Theories” comes on, you expect some sort of Alex Jones rant about “globalists” using Eurovision to emasculate men to push the agenda of the New World Order’s lizard masters, not a sweet romantic ballad of things the protagonist would do with her lover.”
Tyler – 6 – “The best way I can describe “Teorias da conspiração” is a Broadway-esque entry. It doesn’t feel like an “I Want” song, but it has the vibe of a sweeping orchestra here as Nena sings her heart out about conspiracy theories. My theory of this song is that it was in a scrapped production in Lisbon and it’s been entered here to get exposure for
funding. Is it real? Probably not, but it’s just a theory! I do like Nena’s vocals, but the song itself seems too expected for me to get excited about listening to it. A pleasant sounding song that doesn’t seem revolutionary to me.”
Total: 22.5
Average: 5.625
Perpétua – “Bem longe daqui”
Boris – 9 – “Well-produced synthpop is my safe zone (currently being gatekept by a certain witch from Poland), and “Bem longe daqui”’s verses have a distinct Pokémon Adventure sound to them that makes my gaymer heart jump aflutter. Then, it pivots DIRECTLY into Japanese-style city pop during its chorus and reaches Tokimeki heights of delectable and lovely. Absolutely supporting this effort by Perpétua to boost my mental health – it’s working!”
David – 1 – “We’ve taking a time machine and landed somewhere I don’t wish to be. Very old-school style, very dead and heavy in sound and I don’t care where I end up with this time machine, just get me away from this.”
James – 9 – “I loved Slovenia’s attempt to bring Citypop to Eurovision two years ago with LPS’s “Disko,” a group of spotty kids with raw talent whose attempt sadly did not connect with jury or televote. Perpetua sounds like a more polished, more mature European take on Citypop, but still retains LPS’s joie de vivre.”
Tyler – 9.5 – “I didn’t think I needed Portuguese citypop into my life, but “Bem longe daqui” scratches that itch for me and I love it so much. I needed it to be longer for full perfection, but then that would have gone against the rules oh no 🙁 I vibe with this song so much, but I can acknowledge that citypop isn’t for everyone. There isn’t a huge vocal moment present in the song, it’s really just the environs of the song that makes you start bopping your head to the beat and enjoying yourself. I really like this confluence of musical styles, and I hope this escapes the semi-final even if it doesn’t win FdC :(”
Total: 28.5
Average: 7.125
Mela – “Água”
Boris – 8 – “HOJE É CLARO COMO ÁÁÁÁGUA ÁÁÁÁGUA UUUUU. Yeah, this song just works. Água builds up from the start and just when you start to think it needs a keychange or something else to discharge the tension Mela has been building up, she strikes with a very memorable, catchy chorus that is a joy to bleat along to. Whoever thinks Portugal are incapable of producing good pop tunes is clowned by this one’s existence.”
David – 3 – “A very basic song I would say, just like water… anyway, it has an alright sound and works well, but then again, I’m not exactly intrigued as in, at all. Very simple song, but really nothing specially either.”
James – 7 – “A refreshingly modern pop song from Portugal, which sounds odd given FdC’s reputation for producing ten fado songs and a random Angolan / Cabo Verde / Mozambique ballad every year. If this was at Melodifestivalen the so-called fans would be creaming themselves over this. A great staging could potentially increase the viability of “Agua” as a mainstream Eurovision effort.”
Tyler – 7.5 – “Hmm, I love the idea of Portugal sending a yasgirlslay banger with powerful vocals and crazy staging, but instead of this being a “Fuego” (hehe), I more see “Água” going into “Echo” territory. It must be because of the beat and music itself of the song–it sounds quite similar to me. I think this song has potential if the staging is good and if Mela’s vocals are strong live, but if they aren’t, then at least we’ll have fun along the way, right?”
Total: 25.5
Average: 6.375
Mila Dores – “Afia a língua”
Boris – 7 – “Not me mistaking “pão duro” for “pau duro” in front of my Brazilian friend and being called the F-word in return. 😅 (I guess I had that one coming). “Afia a lingua” is one of those weird displays of artistry you see at every FdC – it hacks fado sounds apart and brutally stiches them together, resulting in a song you would hear nowhere else. It’s interesting and I like it, but “Afia a lingua” sometimes gets a bit too dissonant with its asynchronous instrumentation. If it picked a clearer, more harmonised line, I’d be more into it, but it would also be a lot less unique. Such is the life of an uncultured cigarette like me.”
David – 2 – “I’m really struggling here, to me, this is just background music. It doesn’t bother me, it’s just there and I’m not really paying attention to it.”
James – 5 – “It starts off sounding like an art school cacophonous din, pulling in traditional Portuguese instrumentation with modern feminist lyrics. The result is no doubt original, but it could take a while to get fans to appreciate it. And time is not something a potential Eurovision entry has to grip the masses.”
Tyler – 6.5 – “”Afia a lingua” is an interesting composition to me. I sense a fado here with more ethereal elements that makes me feel light and whimsical. However, there isn’t enough momentum in the song to make this fantastic. A lot of the songs in this selection are like that; pleasant sounding enough, but there isn’t a drive to vote for it in the televote. I needed this song to get punched up a bit to become a definite fave for me.”
Total: 20.5
Average: 5.125
Left. – “Volto a ti”
Boris – 4 – “I HATE how the period in his name messes up my punctuation so I’m leaving that out. “Volto a ti” is not for me – Instinctively I’m thinking of Vinko in Dora and lol yes that’s mega racist towards people that look like LEFT and Vinko (put a pair of glasses on LEFT and you’ll see I’m right), but maybe the musicians that look like LEFT and Vinko should pick up a different instrument than just ONE unplugged guitar? The voice and emotion are the bare bones of music, but layered instrumentation are its muscle and sinew. You’re not going anywhere without them, and neither does this song.”
David – 1 – “I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling anything here… very empty.”
James – 1 – “My Azerbaijani lawyer refers to me in all correspondence as “James!” because she is a big fan of the American comedienne Mo’Nique, who has a hilarious bit where she differentiates black and white women arguing with their men by saying black women would storm into his place of business and yell “James!”, and white women would meekly let it go. So in this instance, the exclamation mark serves a comedic purpose. What in the hootinanny does the period after LEFT serve? Other than to mangle my writing this review in Microsoft Word? And then we get to the song itself, and it’s a fucking basic, twee plucking of an acoustic guitar about some nebbish dork umming and ahhing about some girl who ditched him.”
Tyler – 5 – “Portugal’s selection is usually one of the strongest for me, so when I hear a cute song like “Volto a ti”, I have to immediately assign it around the middle and adjust from there. In other selections, this would be scored higher for sure. This song is fine! I’m not wowed throughout it, and I’m sure the live performance will be pleasant watching, even if I don’t remember to think about it until we get the results at the end or watch the recap. It’s an okay
entry, the vocals are fine even if it’s more subdued than I would like. It’s fine!”
Total: 11.0
Average: 2.75
Rita Rocha – “Pontos finais”
Boris – 6 – “This is the type of song that tends to come together live and doesn’t quite work in studio. “Pontos Finais” is cute and trippy, but it doesn’t stand out amongst the others in semi 1. It’s a humble grower. However, Rita is attempting to build up an intimate atmosphere with a strong climax and I could very well see this become a lot better once she finds her groove on a FdC stage. For now though, the score is a cautiously optimistic six.”
David – 2 – “Alright, so this song does get some attitude and energy eventually, but by the time we get there, I’m already half asleep. I would’ve loved it far more, if it had more of what it had in the last minute, but until then, the song it just one heavy and hard-hitting lullaby, which can easily put me to sleep.”
James – 9 – “An intricately crafted track that masters the art of a patient build, starting off softly with some acoustic guitar and ending with some electric guitar strumming and drums. It builds slowly to a paranoid outro, starting slowly and quietly before descending into a mad finale. This is the exact sort of quirky draw that makes FdC the best Eurovision national selection on offer.”
Tyler – 7 – “I like “Pontos finais”, but I would like it better if the key change and the different music style that comes in towards the end of the song was sooner. I do like the beginning melody as it feels like I’m in a forest, walking children in nature. But then the ending 30 seconds happens and I realize what I’ve been missing out on! I do like the song, but feel like the song could have been more dynamic. Rita R.’s vocals are good too, so this is another pleasant entry I’ll enjoy watching live, but I don’t think there’s enough here to win.”
Total: 24.0
Average: 6.0
Noble – “Memory”
Boris – 1 – “I smell an opportunity to rant about Eliane Page, James. Don’t disappoint me. Why do some people insist on getting jarring hand-and-finger tattoos? It can’t be aesthetics. Do they think it adds depth to their shallow personalities? LOVE YOURSELF. Sadly, Noble does NOT truly love himself, indicative of the awful, maudlin, self-pitying break-up ballad he’s entered FdC with. “Memory” is rancid. What is the objective of this song? Making others feel sorry for you? My boo, such feelings have to be EARNED through respect, not begged for like a dog’s dinner. “Memory” refuses to move on, or reminisce about the positive aspects of the now defunct relationship. Its narrative boils down to “boohoo i’m single cry for me“. I hope the guardian angel that’s been culling all the horrible fanwanks this year (St. Pedro, Justyna, Ryk, Ollie, Annalisa, Keiino, Basim,…) doesn’t skip Noble, because the NQ his selection would bring forth is a sad waste of perfectly pleasant Portugal.”
David – 2 – “A song in English, wonderful! Yet, I’m not feeling anything here. Simplistic, a bit cheesy and that’s about it, have no clue what else to say about this very empty song.”
James – 1 – “A dire break-up ballad with rock vocals, the sort you used to hear a lot back in the early ’90s. Noble makes the cardinal sin of referencing the great Johnny Thunders and his classic “You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory” (since covered by Guns ‘N Roses), a much better song I’d much rather be listening to. And as much as I’d love to stuff this review full of Cats jokes (see Boris, above), it would be appropriate as both Noble and Grizabella lament much better times. However, Grizabella learns as her first performance of “Memory” falls flat, but she returns to sing a version where she is ultimately accepted by the Jellicle cats. Grizabella learns. Will Noble? Who knows? Who cares?”
Tyler – 4 – “A song that’s sung technically well, but I don’t care for it, sorry! It’s not that I’m biased against English language entries in FdC (well, maybe a little bit), but it’s mostly because the lyrics in this entry I know immediately are not good to me. Noble’s singing style is fine, but not my thing either, reminds me of alt songs that got popular back in the 2000s (which I’d like to not remember, thank you). “Memory” doesn’t leave a net positive impression on me, so I’d rather just not listen to it again, thanks!”
Total: 8.0
Average: 2.0
João Borsch – “…Pelas costuras”
Boris – 8 – “I can’t make heads nor tails of this song, but I really like it? It’s like João follows a classic fado partiture but with J-rock instrumentation. It’s a very creative idea and the effect is similar to the JRPG combat themes that play as the heroes brace themselves to beat the rock star-themed midgame boss. I’m seated for the live, to be honest. “…pelas costuras” could be a sleeper fave!”
David – 4 – “Alright, so this caught me off-guard, expecting something intense and crazy, but we just never get there and my interest is just slowly disappearing. Here’s the thing, very cool and with a rebel sound, fucking awesome, but I’m struggling to find the chorus, where the versus exactly are and how it’s all structured. Instrumentally, it’s awesome, but not so much lyrically and hoped for more vocally.”
James – 9 – “This sounds like something one might have heard at a gay lounge in Hong Kong just before the British handed it back to China, like if Andy Lau had dabbled in industrial and noise. The lyrics are fantastic! Joao is bursting at the seams at the mere thought of your love. This song will do wonders for the reputation of Portuguese men on the pull in Malmo if this (somehow) wins FdC. But, the staging is either going to be gloriously gay or a complete car crash and that is where this will live or die. But the studio version: it has great promise!”
Tyler – 8.5 – “I don’t mean this as a slight in the slightest, but “…Pelas costuras” is weird. But it’s still great! The beginning of the song makes it sound like soft rock to me, which automatically stands out in this selection. But then in the bridge it breaks down completely into something new and unexpected that disoriented me. When done well, it’s a great experience while listening to a song, and this song did it well! Good job, João B.!”
Total: 29.5
Average: 7.375
Iolanda – “Grito”
Boris – 7.5 – “At this point, the “build up a drawn-out atmosphere into a big climax” type of structure is a tried and true trope for slower songs. We already have two of those at Eurovision in Belgium and Slovenia. Compared to those, “Grito” ranks in the middle for me. The first minute is nothing, but the song hits its stride during the second minute (unlike Belgium which takes two full minutes to become something) and then climaxes in a very strong discharge near the end. (unlike Slovenia which opts for a pause). The AINDA ARDAAAAAAAAAA at the end has potential to be the most powerful note in the year. Overall, pretty solid. I don’t particularly want it in Eurovision for selfish reasons – Iolanda competes against my home country and my favourite Eurovision country for the same votes, but should Portugal go for, it would add another good song to an already good year, and another strong entry to Portugal’s palmares.”
David – 2 – “I have that feeling, that I should appreciate the song and it’s artistry, cause there is indeed something poetic over it, that’s just how it feels to me, but at the same time, I just don’t know what I’ve listened to. It’s like, oh I was supposed to be impressed and then just ain’t. I’m struggling to find comments, so the impression is good, but just nowhere to be found.”
James – 7.5 – “Lush New Age Portuguese which builds very slowly but ends with an almost primal scream. Though the “shout” is the point of the song, if that moment is not executed live perfectly it has the potential to undo the entire performance and the subtle, intricately crafted build up that led to it.”
Tyler – 7.5 – “This song is a journey that I’m a little unsure if I want to take. “Grito” is a beautiful song, very sweeping instrumentation and strong vocals as well from Iolanda. That said, this also screams Eurofan Live Flop? The vocals seem so strong that it makes me nervous about this song actually being good live. I’m hedging my expectations here, but also the song itself is quite good. I’m not fully in love with the song though, but if the live performance can capture the mood the music conveys, I think this could be a great song for Portugal. I don’t think
this can win Eurovision, but it could qualify. All depends on if the performance is good.”
Total: 24.5
Average: 6.125
Bispo – “Casa portuguesa”
Boris – 5.5 – “Fado rap. Only in Portugal. It’s alright. The main problem with pieces like these is that they’re lyric heavy and I cannot understand what he’s singing, soooo. I would have to go by the rhythm and instrumentation to piece together the meaning, and neither offer me enough clues to whip up interest. This is one for the Lusophones out there, but for the Eurovision basic gays like myself, “Casa Portugesa” is better left in Portugal.”
David – 3 – “You can hear this is Portugues rap, even one of those soulful ones, which touches on emotional subjects. I honestly think it’s cool to hear, but I also really don’t care for this. I still feel like I should credit it, and all of my respect, but the song itself just doesn’t reach nor speak to me, and in the end, I’m just like… ok with it, if that makes sense?”
James – 6 – “A very low key rap on top of an acoustic guitar and piano track, with lyrics about appreciating what you have, those around you, and the place that you call your home. Even with the little solo at the end, it does lack a bit of wow factor. It is wholesome and warm, which is a change of pace for a country that presented a song about Dutch prostitutes in the 1970s. I suspect Bisto is here to show off a new single and earn gravy from his domestic audience rather a shot at Eurovision, which is fine, but this is most likely a localized effort that won’t click with an international audience.”
Tyler – 4 – I don’t understand how this could be one of the favorites for FdC I’m sorry. Is it because of name recognition within Portugal? I’ve never heard of Bispo’s other work, so I don’t know if this is just his style or not, but “Casa portuguesa” sounds lazy to me. Too cool for a national final, at least that’s Bispo’s perspective. I don’t think the vocals are exciting. It has that sing-speak quality to it that I can’t get behind if it isn’t a Broadway performer who
accidentally stumbled onto the stage despite being unable to hold a note. The lyrics seem meaningful to me and this could be a quite personal song for Bispo, but that doesn’t translate to me, and it doesn’t feel like he’s trying. I guess the beat of the song is nice, but other than that, I’m not enthusiastic about this entry at all. Hopefully the live performance changes my mind.”
Total: 18.5 (Average = 4.625)
So the six acts that we want to see progress to the Final are Joao Borsch, Perpetua, Mela, Iolanda, Rita Rocha, and Nena. We shall see if that pans out.
- João Borsch – “…Pelas costuras” – 29.5 (Average = 7.375)
- Perpétua – “Bem longe daqui” – 28.5 (Average = 7.125)
- Mela – “Água” – 25.5 (Average = 6.375)
- Iolanda – “Grito” – 24. 5 (Average = 6.125)
- Rita Rocha – “Pontos finais” – 24.0 (Average = 6.0)
- Nena – “Teorias da conspiraçã” – 22.5 (Average = 5.625)
- Mila Dores – “Afia a língua” – 20.5 (Average = 5.125)
- Bispo – “Casa portuguesa” – 18.5 (Average = 4.625)
- Left. – “Volto a ti” – 11.0 (Average = 2.75)
- Noble – “Memory” – 8.0 (Average = 2.0)
Join us the same time next week as we review Semi-Final 2.
Who do #YOU think should win Festival da Cancao? Let us know in the comments below, or in our forum and social media.
