Every year our “Expert” Panel comes together to judge all entries for the Eurovision Song Contest and they’re back to take apart the 2014 entries and rank them accordingly. While their characters and comments may be wacky, the scores are dead serious. All 7 panelists will comment on the song and rank them accordingly giving it points using a scale from five to zero. At the end you’ll also get to cast your vote in the poll. At the end of the process you’ll get to meet the individuals behind the personas which includes staff member, readers, forum members as well as true music experts.

First, let’s have a look at the entries reviewed so far and their Score:

expert 6

The next country to be reviewed and taken apart is IRELAND. After one of the craziest National Finals of the your (You’re an odious little man) CAIT-LINN FEAT. KASEY SMITH won and gets to perform the entry HEARTBEAT in Copenhagen. Did it leave an impression on our panel? Let’s find out!

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5 Points

Madame BogbrushAfter many years of mediocrity, Ireland are back at ESC in a big way. Simply put, this song is spectacular. It mixes modern beats along with traditional Irish elements to create a song to be admired. Kasey’s modern style of singing adds an extra layer also. The chorus really is the focal point, and the song explodes with epic drums and violins. It’s the kind of performance that leaves a chill down your spine afterwards. 2009 was the last time Ireland failing to qualify, and I can’t see that changing now. Ireland may even dare to dream of total victory.

4 Points


3 Points

OoohQuite good. Although not very good. In the middle. The chorus is much better than the verse, so this is the bit that will make an impact. I just don’t think it’ll have enough impact to get anywhere near the top. Hmmmph. Meh.



Pilau Puppy:gnaws on bully stick: “Oh yeah, this is okay” :gnaws on bully stick some more:




Judge MentalGood. Has a little Irish flair with the fiddle background. It’s contemporary with a medium techno beat. Just one question: How the frick am I supposed to hold on to your heartbeat? Is this some kind of metaphor I’m not catching? Besides that ridiculous lyric (which unfortunately is the title of the song), I just can’t love or hate it. So much to do with it. They could have used the heart beat as a drum…etc


EdgarsI have warmest of heart spots for Ireland who shares the common potato struggles of my country and its men! Sadly this entry is not doing much for me, and lyric is again heretic of lies. Her head is not above water because not in water! Ha ha ha, silly woman. She should eat potato and rethink entry before I can vote Ireland.




AlfonsoLet’s see what the Celts have. I already got used to these sounds in the background of all songs, I guess today they use these things in most songs. I can hear some Celtic instruments in this too, but the combination doesn’t seem to stick well together. It sounds a lot like something that they showed me before coming here, from a forest girl or something like this.


2 Points

Pope WilhelmAh Kasey. I remember this young lady from last year. “K k kiss me there” was a hit with some of our looser priests who have now been expelled from the church. This year she returns with something as equally dull but gone is the unintentional humour. The ethnic elements are quite subtle, tastefully done I suppose one could say.. but I am just not feeling this. Linda Martin is who should be flying the flag this year for Ireland. She proved to be the star of the National selection, showing odious little men everywhere who is the boss. Bless her courage and strength. Kasey cannot compete. She must learn from Linda.

1 Point


0 Points



Now it is your turn, cast your vote in the poll below on how many points you think Denmark deserves.

[yop_poll id=”45″]

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