Every year our “Expert” Panel comes together to judge all entries for the Eurovision Song Contest and they’re back to take apart the 2014 entries and rank them accordingly. While their characters and comments may be wacky, the scores are dead serious. All 7 panelists will comment on the song and rank them accordingly giving it points using a scale from five to zero. At the end you’ll also get to cast your vote in the poll. At the end of the process you’ll get to meet the individuals behind the personas which includes staff member, readers, forum members as well as true music experts.

First, let’s have a look at the entries reviewed so far and their Score:

expert 7

The next country to be reviewed and taken apart is FRANCE. It’s been 37 years since the country was victorious, this year the band TWIN TWIN will try to bring back the contest to Paris with the song MOUSTACHE. What does the panel think? Let’s find out!

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5 Points

EdgarsI find this entry of great offense to me. They sing of material possession I only wish to have! Forget the moustache, I can take of his car and housing if he does not appreciate! Despite the, this entry is high quality and the optimism is something I can getting behind in Kopenhagun!



AlfonsoA song for moustache. Interesting. Do people have moustaches nowadays? This man sounds like he’s reciting a poem. I can’t understand this language, but I guess he’s got a very nice sense of humor. I like all this a lot, it’s a melody that stuck in your head but not in an annoying way like the Burgundian guy’s whistle.



4 Points

OoohWell. I like it. J’aime ça. It has an unrelenting beat of funk, regardless of its questionable level of sophistication. A banging ear-worm, with a typical french twist, I think le Français can pull off a great performance on the night, but it depends how seriously they’re taking it. The chorus is strong, but silly, as the whole song really. I believe, sadly, that it won’t do well. Too much unoriginality, and an unfortunately weak ending, with no apparent climax. Oh well. Should have picked Joanna.


Pilau Puppy:cautious tail wag:






3 Points

Judge MentalYou know what?  I have to admit, I now want a mustache as well. Basing the song only on it’s fun dance tempo, silly lyrics, and infectious energy, I don’t think I can legally give it more than a 3, but with the proper dancing, costumes etc., I can see this song being a fun 4. Verdict: 3




2 Points

Pope WilhelmI find it difficult to grow a mustache. It seems these gentlemen share my difficulty. Why are these men being so goofy and comical about it though? A mustache is the privilege of the gentleman. They should really be lamenting over their lack of mustaches to a richly orchestrated melancholy piece of experimental neoclassical music, in a somewhat similar style to “Suus”. I don’t begrudge these gentlemen their fun but please refrain from making light of such a serious issue. We don’t want novelty music mixed with such a serious subject matter.


1 Point

Madame BogbrushI have no idea where to even begin with this. France seem to have gone back to their recent ESC roots and gone for something completely crazy. Although it has a slightly catchy tune, generally the song is just a hot mess. There is too much going on musically and most of it isn’t good. The chorus is easy to remember, but the rest of the song just passes me by. I imagine the trolls will be out in force to vote this, but I can’t imagine France going far with the poor effort.



0 Points




Now it is your turn, cast your vote in the poll below on how many points you think Denmark deserves.

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