Chapter 11
Flower Shop AU
Working in a shop that opened on the main street made for quite an entertainment. In the six years she had been cutting flowers, Cornflake had been the witness of some interesting events.
To this day, her favorite story was still the one about the guy who had all his limbs cut off without him noticing.
What a fun night it had been.
Still, as a flower shop - albeit a magical one - their clientele had always been tamer than, let’s say, the Wizard Police station next door.
Much to her regret.
“Hello!”
She looked at the three people who had entered her lair, drenched and covered in burns.
“Hum, we got in a little predicament,” the shorter one started. “Have you by any chance medicinal herbs?”
“Sure I do,” she watered the last bunch of the day, “be right back.”
“Care if I take a look?” The man asked, “you seem to have quite an interesting selection.”
Cornflake grinned. As surprising as it might seem, customers rarely showed interest in the rest of shop aside from the bouquets they wanted to get for their loved ones. “Go for it!”
He had already for the right aisle.
“Beware”, she hollered, “the carnivorous plants are this way, and they’ve been pretty hungry lately.”
After a few minutes, she finally found her stack.
“Here,” she snapped an orange stem in half, “rub it on the burns for thirty seconds and let it dry for an hour. That will be twelve galleons by the way,” she added as an afterthought.
They without a doubt found it expensive if their frown was anything to go by, but Cornflake had a shop to run and a girlfriend to please.
“We should give some to Uthena,” one of the girls stated, “he had some nasty ones.”
Cornflake led the aisle the man had set off to beforehand, only to find him in front of the biggest species of her shop.
“Be careful with that one, it’s fast.”
Her warning had been unnecessary as the next moment, he had disappeared.
“Did he just get.. swallowed?”
“Looks like it.”
For a second no one moved.
“Eh,” the short girl finally broke from her trance, “shouldn’t you help him?”
“Shuuuush.”
Cornflake watched in anticipation her beloved plant. This species never ate humans before - not on her watch at least. She wondered what the outcome would be.
The pant gulped. Once. Twice.
On the third try, it reeled back, and after a pregnant pause, spitted everything out.
The human was sent flying.
Chapter 12
Hangover
A jackhammer must have destroyed the last neurons in his system, because his head was breaking.
“Never again,” he thought.
He tried to move but his body screamed in pain. Not for the first time, he wondered what he had been up to the previous night to warrant such miserableness.
His boss was going to kill him. Not that it mattered much as he had been on thin ice for the whole month.
Still, the last remnants of his salary were worth salvaging.
With that thought in mind, Mortimer opened his eyes.
A body flew past his window.
Fuck this world, he was going back to sleep.
Chapter 13
Amnesia
Pepe and Froggy had disappeared again.
Swekek sighed at the sight of the empty branch. The two birds who took up semi-residency in the neighboring tree had been the highlight of his day for the past year.
But they were temperamental, and when Swekek was late in bringing them food after spending too many hours behind his computer, they tended to punish him by leaving for a prolonged period of time.
“Man, what a shame.”
Refusing to wallow in self-pity, he started to clean his apartment which was much needed. One look at his bare fridge told him he’d have to take a trip down the market sooner rather than later.
But first, he eyed his computer, it was time for a little break.
He might have offended a deity in a past life because it was that moment that someone chose to barrel through his window.
A man, at first glance. He looked to be in his thirties and like death rolled over judging by his ragged clothes and unshaved collarbone.
“Well, good morning.”
The man stood up and observed his surroundings.
“Ah, sorry for the inconvenience. I got… carried away.”
“No problem, man. Name’s Swekek” He extended his hand, which the stranger took.
“Uthena. Nice to meet you.”
Swekek tilted his head.
“Are you hurt?”
The man squinted. “You seem pretty unphased for someone who just witnessed a stranger breaking inside his apartment.”
“Well,” Swekek shrugged, “it wouldn’t be the strangest thing that happened to me.”
Forgetting about the first twenty-five years of his life after being thrown in the middle of a demon-summoning spell still took the medal.
Sometimes he wondered if people were looking for him. If he screwed up somewhere in his past life and had no idea of making it up to them, or if he even should.
“Well”, he mused, “if I had knocked up some girl I guess I would have received a demand for parental allowance by now.”
Uthena looked at him funnily, and he realized he have might sound like a lunatic.
“Sorry,” he hoped his smile was comforting, “did you need something?”
His interlocutor looked around. “You don’t have any medical knowledge, would you?”
“Well, apparently I got a degree in that field.”
Uthena perked up at that.
Too bad he had to crash his hopes.
“But, ah, sorry. I forgot.”
“You forgot,” he deadpanned.
Swekek blushed in embarrassment. “Let’s just say I got in a magical accident. According to what I’ve been told anyway.”
“Right,” he didn’t seem convinced, but it was as good of an excuse as any.
“For real man though, are you hurt? Do we need to get you to a hospital?”
A look over didn’t betray any visible injury, but they never knew.
“Ah no,” he dismissed his concern, “I just think I’m giving birth.”
What a strange morning.
Chapter 14
Mpreg
Uthena didn’t believe in Karma. Past lives, horoscopes, and reincarnation went all in the same box in his mind. The trash.
Sometimes though, he couldn’t help but wonder.
Looking after Ebony was a full-time job. The girl was such a dumbass sometimes, especially when her eyes were unfortunate enough to settle on the two leeches she hoped to end up with. Keeping her in line without losing his job - as a rich heir she paid way more than any of his past employers - was the bane of his existence.
Eddie was thankfully there to add an additional dose of comment sense to their tag team of misfits, but she had been on edge for the whole journey and tended to disappear when he needed her.
Back to the matter at hand.
The last events had him losing sight of both Ebony and Eddie - a red flag in itself - and breaking inside the apartment of a stranger after escaping death by a plant.
And now, he had to face this.
“I think I’m giving birth.”
It didn’t blame the guy who looked at him in bewilderment. Two days ago he would have reacted the same, but after cross-checking the information he couldn’t help but come to this conclusion.
First, he hadn’t been feeling well for the past weeks. Nausea, headache. He rendered his guts more times than he would like to count.
Two, he had some weird cravings. Or lack thereof. He hadn’t felt like drinking any beer.
He loved beer.
And three, he felt bottled up.
He had never been the one to care much about his appearance, but he would have noticed if he gained weight. The lack of a pregnant belly was enough of a hint to conclude that it was not, in fact, a regular pregnancy.
Still, he felt something there. Something that had been on the verge of breaking through his body and being unleashed into the world.
Boom
In slow motion, he looked at his pants.
A mass had just fallen.
With one last look at Swekek - had he been more ashamed he would have gone to the bathroom, but Uthena never cared - he opened his pants and let what was hidden inside for everyone to see.
An egg.
He had just laid an egg.
What the fuck.
“Wow,” Swekek whistled, “that’s dope.”
They observed the egg for a solid minute in silence.
It was so big, at least thirty centimeters high, that Uthena wondered how he could have produced such a monstrosity without noticing.
What a strange world they were living in.
“Hey,” Swekek finally pointed at the shell, “isn’t it… breaking?”
True to his words, cracks had started to appear all around. Before any of them could prepare for what was about to come, all the shells fell off to give space to a baby.
A living, human baby.
What. The. Fuck.
They stared at it for a while, none of them daring to move.
Uthena was sure he had fried his brain somewhere along the way.
Or he would soon, because the baby chose that moment to open its mouth and
scream.
Chapter 15
Kid Fic
That scream, it wasn’t human.
Uthena hadn’t been around many kids in his life, but he was sure they weren’t supposed to sound like Satan had crawled back from hell and cut his nails on a chalkboard.
“I knew I would find you here.”
Eddie stepped down from the window, Ebony in tow.
Swekek merely blinked, which was starting to rise questions about his mental state.
Uthena barely exchanged a glance with his colleague before he was pushed aside by a black and red blur.
“Merlin, is that a baby?!”
Trust Ebony to find every atrocity they crossed paths with
endearing.
“Slow down,” he caught the end of her long ponytail, “it was born ten minutes ago.”
“And whose baby is that?”
He made a point to ignore Eddie’s question, he wasn’t even sure he could answer without succumbing to a headache. He sent a pointed glare at their improvised host to make sure he got the memo too.
Before any of them could derail the conversation though, the baby screamed again.
And boy, Uthena had no doubt his tympans exploded there and then.
Eddie shouted something, but he couldn’t understand anything over the demon-summoning cry.
It stopped after a minute to their utmost delight. If Uthena ever wanted kids before, he had been vaccinated.
“Can’t you give them anything?” Eddie breathed, “They must be hungry.”
And fair, but Uthena didn’t have much of an opportunity to prepare for the situation.
“We should give it a name!” kneeled beside it.
“Them, Ebony. And I think catering to their needs is more important than whatever terrific idea of a name you came up with.”
“To be fair, are we even sure they’re human?”
Uthena took a moment to observe the creature that had emerged from the egg. The question was more than legitimate, not that Eddie and Ebony knew that. No human kid should ever come out of an egg.
He gazed into the iris of the child. There were red, and unlike Ebony’s, not artificially colored with lenses.
Uthena wasn’t an easily impressionable person, but even he couldn’t help but fidget under the stare.
It was cleansing his soul.
“You’re a weirdo, you know that?”
When the baby opened their mouth, he shivered.
Doom was upon them. He could feel it in his bones.
Because they had
talked.
Chapter 16
Body Swap
George Romanescu had learned a few things in his remotely short life.
First, the shadow of his twin brother was impossible to escape. It had been so since the girl he liked in kindergarten slapped him after Mihai told her she had rabies. He lost count of the number of times he got into detention because the teachers mistook him.
And really, George didn’t care much about being confused for his twin brother. At this point, not being subjected to such a treatment would be quite an oddity.
Except when said brother was to marry in two hours.
Mihai had disappeared to who knew where, and to his horror, he had been kidnapped by his relatives and thrust into a suit.
“Mom, I’m George,” he argued for the twentieth time in the last hour.
“Stop it Mihai,” she scolded, “your brother is already at the church making sure all guests are seated.”
When he found himself in front of the altar, his hand held by his demon of a future sister-in-law he finally had enough.
“Please,” he whispered, “take me out of here.”
At that moment, George was reminded of his second lesson.
Magic was a bitch.
He felt the pull before he saw the light. Something hooked up to his navel and sent him spinning.
When George opened his eyes, his first thought was that everything was so big and loud.
Giants were talking. He raised his arm to shield the light coming from the huge window. It barely reached the giants’ calves.
And was he naked?
“What is going on?”
The giants jumped in surprise, and one of them, a female apparently, pointed a finger at him.
“Not again!”
Gosh, she was so loud.
He finally took a look at himself. As expected, he was naked.
And tiny.
And chubby.
“Am I a baby?!”
“Oh, you won’t fool us again! You already possessed B’loody Abyss Mary, I won’t let you possess anyone else!”
“Ebony”, one of the men sighed, “we already went over this. Sir Gary whatever-his-name didn’t possess anyone.”
“And we left him in Moisantia,” the other girl noted.
Out of the commotion, the last one of the group kneeled next to him. “So, how’re you doing little man?”
“I am twenty-six.”
It was apparently the wrong thing to say as the first girl screeched again. George took the opportunity to glance at her outfit. Who still wore fishnets under compensated high heels?
“Told you it was soul possession!”
As they were arguing, he felt the pull again. Before he could blink, he found himself back into the white void and in front of the altar again.
With a baby in his arms.
He was going to kill Mihai.
Chapter 17
Assassins AU
Red Ferret, they called him. As vibrant as the blood of his victims. An elite assassin, born in despair and raised by blades. A genius, they called him at some point, before he strode the path of darkness. Now he was the perfect tool that completed missions with unnatural efficiency.
For all year, he took upon his duty conscientiously. His target had a hidden knowledge that could overthrow the current harmony.
Since he had been involved in the demon-summoning incident, the boy had been under surveillance. His claims of a past forgotten had raised suspicion from all the parties involved, it was no wonder the job had been assigned to an elite agent like himself.
The events that transpired that afternoon had ticked off all his alarms and warranted a thorough report to his leaders.
As he adjusted his mask though, he couldn’t shake the thought that plagued his mind.
Some things were better left unknown.
Chapter 18
Major Character Death
Akatsuki died in a ditch, rip.
Chapter 19
Roadtrip
Free Ero was having a nice morning. His boss had been in a rare good mood and even released him early.
As he settled into his car at four in the afternoon, he couldn’t believe his luck. Lately, he had been forced to stay until at least eight.
He was ready to start the engine when a knock was heard on his window.
“Hey,” a man raised a hand. “We’d like to go south. We’re kinda in a hurry, you see.”
The temptation to go back to his house right away to make the most of his free time was strong, but he was in a good mood so, why not?
“Sure,” he shrugged.
He waved at two other people on the other side of the road. Soon enough, the three of them were settled in the backseats of his car and conversations were made.
Free Ero learned they had been on a journey for the past two weeks across Natia to find a special potion for the long-haired girl with red eyes.
“Did you enjoy the scenery, then?”
He missed their glance exchange. “Yes, you could say that.”
For travelers, they were nice.
After a while, one of the girls coughed.
“Is she alright?” Free Ero glanced at the rearview mirror. “Do I need to pull over?”
“Nah,” the other girl picked at her nails. How could she manage with such long claws, he would never know. “She’s fine.”
He threw another look at the mirror. The sick girl had her head lowered and her hand over her mouth.
“Hey,” he chastised, “if you want to puke just say so, I’d rather not have to clean after you.”
She sent him a guilty look but thankfully nothing came out of her lips. “I’m fine sir, don’t worry.”
They spent the next minute in relative silence. From what he could gather, the sick girl and the man were planning their next move while the last one threw a comment there and then. When he caught the words “love potion”, “dragon”, and “vampire” he decided to keep his mind on the road for his own sanity. No matter how weird their world could get, he’d rather stay far away from threats, and these ones sure sounded like it.
“Stop!” The shout shook him.
Free Ero braked hard enough to send their bodies forward. “Don’t surprise me like that!” he barked.
“Sorry,” the sick girl didn’t look sorry at all, “but it’s our stop.”
They were in the middle of nowhere.
“Didn’t you want to go to Potato Bridge?”
“Yes, no. Well, we’re gonna take another road.”
Before he could argue, they already opened the doors and thrown three galleons this way. “Thanks for the ride, sir!”
When they closed them, a petal flew past his nose.
What a strange bunch.
Chapter 20
4+1 times, De-aged
The first time it happened, Kweenfo threw up.
The second time, she looked at her baby face in the mirror and screamed.
The third time, she had been kidnapped by a dragon of all things.
The fourth time, well, she swore to never talk about the fourth time.
The fifth time had been the last she found herself back in her four years old body. Done with this insanity, she would stand in overalls too big for her and watch the world burn.
Chapter 21
Hanahaki Disease
Her throat was on fire.
She had spent the morning coughing in secret and throwing up flowers. With the blood splattering the petals, she guessed the illness had already taken root in her lungs
“What is going with you?” Uthena frowned.
Eddie knew perfectly what was wrong with her. She intended to guard her secret for a little longer, but
“It’s Hanahaki Disease,” she muttered through her teeth.
Ebony instantly stopped what she was doing. Uthena though, was still confused.
“Hanahaki Disease?”
“Unrequited love,” Eddie spluttered. “It makes me cough flowers.”
Ebony was still looking at her strangely.
“If you were in love with me you should have told me sooner, you know.”
What?
“Ebony, I’m not in love with you,” Eddie deadpanned.
“Hush, there’s no need to lie now. It wouldn’t have changed much, my heart is already taken, but at least admitting your feelings would have helped you move on.”
“Ebony, I assure you, I have never been in love with you.”
She shook her head. “Eddie, don’t be difficult,
“Who is it then?” Uthena raised an eyebrow.
Eddie avoided his gaze. That information was classified, and she intended to keep it as such.
“You don’t know them.”
Uthena was obviously not convinced but he thankfully dropped the subject.
“So, what are you gonna do about it?”
Eddie shrugged. “We’ll see, I guess.”
“Is it life-threatening?”
“Eh, maybe.”
They stared at each other for solid minutes
“I am supposed to panic, right?”
Uthena opened his mouth but didn’t have time to share his thoughts as the door burst open.
“You are under arrest!”
Chapter 22
Royalty AU
Cummy Chungus knew his end was coming.
“What news are you bringing?”
From his bowed position, he dared to glance at his Queen and her tight lips.
“We seem to be… in a situation.”
“A situation you say?”
He gulped. “It seems our little expedition to the Pyreican mountains hasn’t been… unnoticed.”
Her dark glare bored into his skin.
“Rumor has it Ansèth summoned its high-ranking officers.”
Cummy Chungus closed his eyes in despair. The first part was over, now he had to survive.
The Queen went down the marble stairs leading to her throne.
“Care to tell me, Cummy Chungus,” her icy tone cut through the tense atmosphere, “how did we manage to get noticed when we sent out our best infiltration team?”
“Actually,” he exhaled, “our team isn’t at fault.” He now had the attention of the whole room. “A group went there illegally to film a video for an upcoming musical track.”
“A video.”
The doors burst open. Cummy Chungus had barely time to step aside before three people were thrown on the floor.
“We finally got them, your Majesty!”
Cummy Chungus looked in bewilderment at the three cuffed individuals. Prisoners were rarely brought before the Queen, so what warranted such treatment?
“These three are accused of child neglect, illegal dragon riding, two instances of robbery, two break-ins and are the main suspect for the school fire.The Hobbit Kingdom wants their heads too.”
Great, just great. Not that it would end well for these criminals, but at least it switched the attention of Cummy Chungus for a while. His chances of leaving the palace alive went from three to fifty-one percent in a minute.
A prisoner stood up, not without difficulty. Cummy Chungis swore her shoes were bigger than her head.
“Listen lady, I know what it looks like, but it wasn’t a reason to get your panties in a twist.”
She was mad. Completely, absolutely mad.
Cummy Chungus closed his eyes and prayed for whatever deity to not be caught in the crossfire.
What would happen though, they would never know.
Thunder struck, and everything went white.
Chapter 23
Unreliable Narrator
Ebony woke up in a hospital. That was the first thought that came to her mind when she opened her eyes and found herself surrounded by white.
The second had been,
why is there a potato in my room?
Ebony blinked once. Twice. The potato hadn’t left the incubator it had been put in.
“I see you’re awake!”
She turned to the woman who had entered her room with a smile way too bright for her liking.
“Congratulations for the baby!”
Ebony’s gaze darted between the nurse and the potato in the incubator.
“I’m a virgin,” she avowed.
The smile didn’t leave the nurse’s face, which gave a direct view of her perfectly aligned teeth. Ebony hid her crooked ones in shame.
“I couldn’t have been pregnant,” she went on. “It’s simply impossible.”
“Nonsense!” Ebony was really starting to hate the chipper tone. “You delivered a perfectly healthy baby!”
A perfectly healthy potato.
In an incubator.
“Hey!” Ebony looked at the ceiling. “Who made this shit up?!”
Whiteness answered her.
