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RainyWoods

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I feel sadness, guilt and a numb feeling. I was told only yesterday my grandmother probably didn't have long left, and this afternoon I'm delivered the news that she's passed on, consumed so quickly by the dementia she started to suffer from. I hadn't seen her in some years, becoming quite distant after my parents unpleasant separation. We exchanged Christmas, birthday cards etc and recently I started sending her boxes of chocolate but that was the extent of my communication with her. Mend your rifts with loved ones before it's too late. I didn't, not properly and now I've got to live with this so long as I'm here. I've been a bad son, but a worse grandson. I'm never having children of my own. Hurting and confusing people just happens by default to anyone that's in my life physically, even though I never mean it. I don't know how to make things better. I'm never able to face problems life throws at me, but retreat, dwelling instead within a dark, solitary empty space. It's so, so very difficult at points. I wish I sucked less hard and could allow people to get close to me. It's like I don't allow it because I know I'm too difficult and challenging. I can't afford to be this way anymore.

Sorry that's all kind of hard to read and sad, but I just needed to let it out somewhere.
 

RainyWoods

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@RainyWoods

That´s so sad to read. I give you a hug. xrunhug

Tomorrow is the funeral of my father, this will be very hard and emotional for me. xcry
I'll give you a big hug too xrunhug

Losing loved ones is the hardest thing about life. The person in my life I was closest to was my grandfather and losing him during my teens was the worst thing that's happened to me, and still to this day I feel I never fully got over it. It shattered my heart. With time it does get better though. That's the thing to remember. You'll be in my thoughts. We're here if you need to talk.
 

mauve

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@RainyWoods I am so sorry. I know that there are no words for comfort. I am making thru a very hard time myself as my daddy passed away exactly three weeks ago. It hit me so hard because his death was so sudden, I was completely unprepared. In the first moment I wanted to just be for myself, but being here on this forum helps so much. Rainy, being different is a great way to be true to oneself. Stay as you are.xkiss
 

RainyWoods

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@RainyWoods I am so sorry. I know that there are no words for comfort. I am making thru a very hard time myself as my daddy passed away exactly three weeks ago. It hit me so hard because his death was so sudden, I was completely unprepared. In the first moment I wanted to just be for myself, but being here on this forum helps so much. Rainy, being different is a great way to be true to oneself. Stay as you are.xkiss

I'm so sorry Mauve to hear that. I don't know at this point whether it being so sudden makes it better or worse, though for sure worse in that our time with them is cut short without warning or being able to prepare yourself if that's even possible, but when it's sudden there's the hope that they've at least avoided months of potential pain. My grandad who I loved more than anyone else in the world passed away from cancer many years back, and it hit me so hard. One moment he was in hospital, the next gone. It's about ten years on now but I still hear his soft Welsh accent in my head sometimes. He was such a funny old goofball of a man, always kind and trying to make you laugh. I keep a big part of him inside me and even when I'm down and depressed as can be, I think of old Gramps making silly faces and polishing his collection of brass animals in his blue shed. Feeding the birds and his koi carp in his beautiful garden. He was such an eccentric character and I think a lot of that rubbed off on me. We lose our loved ones but they remain still with us in spirit, in our hearts.

I think I will stick around the forum. I'm glad it has helped you out. Many times people have been here for me over the years when I've needed cheering up or someone to talk to, and I'm extremely grateful.

Sending my love and thoughts to you too, Mauve xheart
 

DenizESC

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Kai you know I'm always there if you need to talk, on any platform and if you get me that UK passport irl also. I'm really sorry for your loss first of all, losing a loved one is definitely one of the worst things that can happen to someone and I really can't think of any words that would make you feel better at this time.

Just so you know, you're not alone. My relationship with every single family member is super down the drain also and it's all on me, including with my grandma a 95 y/o woman. Her last words to me were ''One day when I'm gone, and that will be soon you'll regret everything, but I love you regardless'' and she is 100% right, yet I haven't called her in 10 months... I guess us being so non-confrontational and very inside our own shell/bubble is one of the biggest problems here. Know that I'm a 1000% sure your grandma (and grandpa) loved you a lot and did not blame you for anything and even though I don't believe in religion, I believe our souls/energy/whatever you want to call it is always connected with our loved ones, at the end of the day, they left a piece of themselves with us when bringing us/our parents into this world. @mauve I can tell this to you and your father also xheart

In my case I'm so quick to tell something really hurtful and straight up mean towards someone without even meaning it truly, but would struggle irl saying the words 'I love you' to anyone and I don't even know why, I can't keep a relationship with any lover or friend either bcs of it as I push them away or make them feel bad about themselves. When I mean to say ''You're right, I'm sorry'' something like ''well you deserve it for being worthless'' would come out... And I don't want to continue it, it's also why I truly love this forum, everyone is so nice and accepting and I feel like I can be myself more and open up a little bit, get outta that shell without feeling vulnerable. You all deserve the world really.

Also know that your post and story helped at least 1 lonely grandma (probably more) out there for what's it's worth. I'm gonna call mine and do something my mind couldn't into but my soul pushes for desperately, apoligize genuinely and be there for her more.

And really slide into my dm's whenever u want u know it.
 

mauve

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I'm so sorry Mauve to hear that. I don't know at this point whether it being so sudden makes it better or worse, though for sure worse in that our time with them is cut short without warning or being able to prepare yourself if that's even possible, but when it's sudden there's the hope that they've at least avoided months of potential pain. My grandad who I loved more than anyone else in the world passed away from cancer many years back, and it hit me so hard. One moment he was in hospital, the next gone. It's about ten years on now but I still hear his soft Welsh accent in my head sometimes. He was such a funny old goofball of a man, always kind and trying to make you laugh. I keep a big part of him inside me and even when I'm down and depressed as can be, I think of old Gramps making silly faces and polishing his collection of brass animals in his blue shed. Feeding the birds and his koi carp in his beautiful garden. He was such an eccentric character and I think a lot of that rubbed off on me. We lose our loved ones but they remain still with us in spirit, in our hearts.

I think I will stick around the forum. I'm glad it has helped you out. Many times people have been here for me over the years when I've needed cheering up or someone to talk to, and I'm extremely grateful.

Sending my love and thoughts to you too, Mauve xheart
That was a question that went thru my head so many times theses days, but actually being not prepared was the right thing. It would have been a thousand times more painful, knowing my dad would leave us and himself knowing this. My dad got into hospital 4 weeks ago to get checked because he had suddenly became weaker and weaker the past three monthes. We thought he had some kind of anemia, but it was his kidney. A week later he suddenly had a heart attack and was gone. It was a terrible evening when my dear brother (who had visited my dad and was on the way back home) called me to give me the news. Now when I enter the rooms of my dad at home, it feels terrible empty and cold. Looking at his clothes knowing he will never ever wear them again ... I was very close to him and it hurts very very much. I am happy that my brother is here. We now have to support my mom because she will need it so much. I always thought that SHE will pass away earlier than my dad because since three years she has a tracheostoma due to lung problems. But she is doing fine now, even though I know that she could pass away from one moment to the other as well.
I have just one regret actually. I wished I had told my dad more often how much I loved him. I hope he knew. I hope then one day I can look back more calmer and think of the good times we had instead of always feeling my broken heart.
By the way, dad will return as a tree in our garden in November (a kind of tree of live burial). That way he will have a new life. xheart

@DenizESC Thank you for your warm words as well! xkiss
 

ESC94

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@mauve

It´s very sad to read this. I hope we´ll be able to look forward and keep the good memories of our fathers. Deep inside of us they´ll live forever, even if that sounds very cheesy.
 

mauve

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@mauve

It´s very sad to read this. I hope we´ll be able to look forward and keep the good memories of our fathers. Deep inside of us they´ll live forever, even if that sounds very cheesy.
It doesn't sound cheesy at all because that's what they do exactly. Bidding farewell from someone forever is something you are never prepared for. Many many people make thru this and we know we are not alone.
 

DenizESC

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That was a question that went thru my head so many times theses days, but actually being not prepared was the right thing. It would have been a thousand times more painful, knowing my dad would leave us and himself knowing this. My dad got into hospital 4 weeks ago to get checked because he had suddenly became weaker and weaker the past three monthes. We thought he had some kind of anemia, but it was his kidney. A week later he suddenly had a heart attack and was gone. It was a terrible evening when my dear brother (who had visited my dad and was on the way back home) called me to give me the news. Now when I enter the rooms of my dad at home, it feels terrible empty and cold. Looking at his clothes knowing he will never ever wear them again ... I was very close to him and it hurts very very much. I am happy that my brother is here. We now have to support my mom because she will need it so much. I always thought that SHE will pass away earlier than my dad because since three years she has a tracheostoma due to lung problems. But she is doing fine now, even though I know that she could pass away from one moment to the other as well.
I have just one regret actually. I wished I had told my dad more often how much I loved him. I hope he knew. I hope then one day I can look back more calmer and think of the good times we had instead of always feeling my broken heart.
By the way, dad will return as a tree in our garden in November (a kind of tree of live burial). That way he will have a new life. xheart

@DenizESC Thank you for your warm words as well! xkiss
Gosh @mauve the way you brought that... it was very hard to read. And I don't mean that in a negative way. I can tell that you just were being completely honest and tried to describe exactly what you felt in that moment, I'm referring to the part of you talking about your dads room. Even if it was for one short moment, I truly felt like I could put myself somewhat in your shoes with that description. It is good to express your feelings so I'm proud of you for doing that xheart keeping all that in can't be healthy. My condolences to you as well. Know that indeed, they are never 'gone', not really.

@ESC94 I hope all goes well for you as well.
 

ESC94

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Today was the funeral of my father. Even though it was quite hard to really say goodbye, it was good that so many relatives were there, I didn´t see many of them for years. Their presence helped me a lot today.

Hopefully I can start to look ahead and keep the good memories I had with my father!! :cry:
 

mauve

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Gosh @mauve the way you brought that... it was very hard to read. And I don't mean that in a negative way. I can tell that you just were being completely honest and tried to describe exactly what you felt in that moment, I'm referring to the part of you talking about your dads room. Even if it was for one short moment, I truly felt like I could put myself somewhat in your shoes with that description. It is good to express your feelings so I'm proud of you for doing that xheart keeping all that in can't be healthy. My condolences to you as well. Know that indeed, they are never 'gone', not really.

@ESC94 I hope all goes well for you as well.
Thank you for your warm words!
 

Gera11

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@RainyWoods A bit of a late reply, I wanted to write something on Thursday but I was in a weird mood that day thanks to the cold I got and between that and me and my parents travelling to Constanța for my grandmother's birthday, I forgot to reply.

I'm so sorry to hear that about your grandmother, truly...there is nothing worse than words left unsaid, rifts left unmended, knowing you could've done more, but stubbornness got the best of you. I've been in a similar situation as you, back in October 2018, when my grandfather died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. We never were on the best terms thanks to his alcoholism & behaviour towards me when I was a child. In the years before his death he kind of tried to mend the rift (I see now) and I was stubbornly ignoring his attemps and didn't try to do anything myself to fix it. So yeah... there is nothing to do now. I just like to think theyre somewhere and see that we still care about their passing, they left a mark in this world.

My other grandfather died of lung cancer and it was such a slow, heart-wrenching process to see him getting worse every day, with nothing to do...i think it's better to lose someone all of a sudden. Sounds horrible I know, but sometimes no time in the world prepares you anyway...

Your post inspired me to plan an impromptu trip to my grandmother's house and be there for her 69th birthday. It was a pleasant surprise for her as she didn't expect to see us again until August/October or so. It was a lovely day, me mostly dying because of the cold but still haha. I always come with excuses to not go and such, I'm too antisocial smh

You don't suck at all, you're just only human and I think you're a beautiful and thoughtful soul that we all needed in our lives at this point in time. Thank you for being, well, you.

@mauve @ESC94
I am so sorry for your fathers as well. I can't imagine how painful it must be :( I just want to hug you both so hard right now, sorry if it sounds too personal. You too are beautiful souls who shared this moment of your lives with us, for which I thank you. I wish you both the best in life and my deepest condolences...

Crazy how this forum can make you share everything you have on your heart, I swear
(also sorry for typos my phone keeps changing words smh)
 
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mauve

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@RainyWoods A bit of a late reply, I wanted to write something on Thursday but I was in a weird mood that day thanks to the cold I got and between that and me and my parents travelling to Constanța for my grandmother's birthday, I forgot to reply.

I'm so sorry to hear that about your grandmother, truly...there is nothing worse than words left unsaid, rifts left unmended, knowing you could've done more, but stubbornness got the best of you. I've been in a similar situation as you, back in October 2018, when my grandfather died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. We never were on the best terms thanks to his alcoholism & behaviour towards me when I was a child. In the years before his death he kind of tried to mend the rift (I see now) and I was stubbornly ignoring his attemps and didn't try to do anything myself to fix it. So yeah... there is nothing to do now. I just like to think theyre somewhere and see that we still care about their passing, they left a mark in this world.

My other grandfather died of lung cancer and it was such a slow, heart-wrenching process to see him getting worse every day, with nothing to do...i think it's better to lose someone all of a sudden. Sounds horrible I know, but sometimes no time in the world prepares you anyway...

Your post inspired me to plan an impromptu trip to my grandmother's house and be there for her 69th birthday. It was a pleasant surprise for her as she didn't expect to see us again until August/October or so. It was a lovely day, me mostly dying because of the cold but still haha. I always come with excuses to not go and such, I'm too antisocial smh

You don't suck at all, you're just only human and I think you're a beautiful and thoughtful soul that we all needed in our lives at this point in time. Thank you for being, well, you.

@mauve @ESC94
I am so sorry for your fathers as well. I can't imagine how painful it must be :( I just want to hug you both so hard right now, sorry if it sounds too personal. You too are beautiful souls who shared this moment of your lives with us, for which I thank you. I wish you both the best in life and my deepest condolences...

Crazy how this forum can make you share everything you have on your heart, I swear
(also sorry for typos my phone keeps changing words smh)
Thank you for your condolences, Gera! You are absolutely right when saying:

".i think it's better to lose someone all of a sudden. Sounds horrible I know, but sometimes no time in the world prepares you anyway... "

That is exactly how I think and feel. My dad died completely unexpected (ok, he was getting weaker and weaker, but we thought we can fix that), and looking back, it was better that way. HAVING to prepare for death would have been so terrible and hardly bearable. Being unprepared - as hard as it may sound - helped us a lot.

And about what you said - and also @RainyWoods -

"nothing worse than words left unsaid, rifts left unmended"

We know this also. My mother had a quarrel with her brother for years and when he died four years ago, things were left unsaid. My mom suffered among this very much. It was the same situation between my dad and his brothers as well. So it seems that such a situation happens a lot in the world unfortunately. I really try to avoid that because it would devastate me knowing there is no turning back.

But than k you also, Gera, for being there. Even though we don't know us in person, it helps to share these feelings a lot. Without this forum, I would sit in my room and mourn.
 

Milos-BC

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I am very sad to read about these losses, my condolences @RainyWoods @mauve @ESC94

Sufferings like these have motivated me to switch careers in order to overcome them. It is a medical problem just like every other and it can be solved.

I also had similar losses multiple times. I am planning to avenge all those close people of ours who have fallen already and secure a better and healthier future for both current and future generations.
 

RainyWoods

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Thank you sincerely for these nice words @mauve @DenizESC @Gera11 and @Milos-BC. It's comforting to receive that kindness, and reading some of your own stories helps a lot. It eases my mind a bit to know that although situations are unique, I'm not quite as alone as I think, at least in some of the feelings I've experienced. There were things surely I could have done better but being so hard on myself helps no one. Sorry I've been slow to respond. I've spent the last couple of days trying to take my mind away from the current situation, cause it's dangerous in my case when I wallow, and I knew that responding to some things would have got me emotional.

My initial post was hard to write and I almost didn't do it, but now I'm glad I did if it helped you Gera and Deniz do nice things for your grandmothers. That's so lovely and special. You're both wonderful and I'm grateful to have you as friends. I have just one grandparent left now, my mum's mother, and I love her more than anything, and have a very close relationship with her. It helps she only lives five minutes away.

And you're a good man Milos choosing your career so that you'd be helping people out. That's so awesome and inspiring. Thank you for choosing that path.

Sorry this is such a small post considering what was written to me, but know it meant a lot to read your posts. I might come back in here later on and respond a bit better when I feel in the right frame of mind to. Everyone is so kind here. Bless you all xheart
 

Ausesken

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I've had enough of unfair coldness. I like winter and its cold, but not in people's hearts and much less when they seem to give me ice most of the times. They think they are giving me something (probably they think I don't deserve anything better), after all ice is more than nothing, but it means bringing cold to my life after it was so hard for me to bring warmth to it.

Edit: it seems I'm saying everybody is cold XD correction: many people are warmth givers, and it's the kind of people I want around me.
 
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