Alaska49 Ranks His 100 Favourite National Final Losers!

[Alaska49]

(Look, I can use capitalization! It's a formal occasion, after all.)
​

WE SURVIVED.

After three slutty, slutty months, our continental nightmare is over and the national final season has come to an end. Many victories were enjoyed, many heartbreaks were cried over, many moments of gay-on-gay homophobia born out of resentment over Shaj winning FIK were conceptualized. Many of us feel this Eurovision year is really weak because of the results of this NF season being less than optimal, but to me the season was so strong, that the journey was already worth it, even if our final roster could have been better. In fact, I was able to muster a whole list of 100 songs that didn't make it to Eurovision that I loved dearly! And I will unleash them upon you!

This rankings follows the following rules:

1- The songs I like the best rank the highest.

NO MORE RULES.

There will be much joy to be had and much shade to be thrown towards songs I don't like (in fact, I already did it in the very first paragraph of this thread - can we do an Alaska49 Talking Shit About Shaj drinking game?), whether they even won their NF or not, so if you don't like to read bad things about songs you like then tread carefully, but despite the frown on Måns's gorgeous mug above, this is mostly a POSITIVE thread of CELEBRATION where we will EULOGIZE our fallen stars. POSITIVE. Really, the Måns frown is there more to keep a certain Canadian/Mexican/Jellicle Cat poster away.

As a manner of a teaser, this the nation composition of my top 100:

Depa Evratesil - 0 (GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS)
Australia Decides - 1
Eesti Laul - 1 (gee, I wonder which one)
Uuden Musiikin Kilpailu - 1 (gee, I wonder which one)
Digital Battle Eurovision - 1 (...)
Dansk Melodi Gran Prix - 2
Söngvakeppnin - 2
HaShir HaBa - 2
Szansa na sukces - 2 (...)
Eurofest - 3
Eurovision Song CZ - 3
Selecția Națională - 3
Supernova - 4
Festival da Canção - 4
Festivali i Këngës - 5
Melodi Grand Prix - 5
EMA / EMA Fresh - 5
Dora - 6
Festival di Sanremo - 6
Melodifestivalen - 6
O melodie pentru Kirkorov - 8
Beovizija - 9
Vidbir - 10
Pabandom iš naujo - 11

I will post the first five entries soon probably. GET EXCITED. Please. For me.

 

[lavieenrose]

​

Iconic

Really, the Måns frown is there more to keep a certain Canadian/Mexican/Jellicle Cat poster away.

Iconicer

Depa Evratesil - 0 (GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS)
Digital Battle Eurovision - 1 (...)

ICONICEST

 

[Ana Raquel]

NOT SENHIT GETTING THAT 100% APPRECIATION HERE talent truly won

 

[BorisBubbles]

Yassssss. Finally some fucking GOOD opinions on this board.

 

[njdevils94]

I'm ready for this!

 

[BorisBubbles]

Odds on betwaiter

VICTOR CRONE - Storm 2-1
EMIL & DIDRIK SOLLI-TANGEN - Out of Air 3-2
ERIKA VIKMAN - Cicciolina 3-2
MONIQUE - Make me Human 3-2
DOTTER - Bulletproof 3-2
KAYRA - Alligator 5-1
ASTRID IN AVANTGARDEN - Sing To Me 5-1
ELVABA GJATA - Me Tana 6-1
FO SHO - BLCK SQR - 6-1

 

[RainyWoods]

My money is on Out of Air winning here, what with Alaska being the taste king that he is. Come through Solli-Tangen brothers

 

[Alaska49]

VICTOR CRONE - Storm 2-1

wrong year! also storm wouldn't make a top 100 ranking of mine even if the ranking was "alaska49's top 100 favourite songs named storm" probably

first update will come in the afternoon! my afternoon. so, like, evening for you guys i think.

 

[BorisBubbles]

wrong year! also storm wouldn't make a top 100 ranking of mine even if the ranking was "alaska49's top 100 favourite songs probably

paypur n penn, riding u leddersh of upologee...x

 

[EscGeek]

My money is on Monique because i got roasted in the other thread with her. It was a sign

 

[njdevils94]

My money is on Monique because i got roasted in the other thread with her. It was a sign

Monque's scratchy live vocals coming for Alaska's number 1

We will see.

Glad to see the appreciation of Dora with 6 songs on here.

 

[Alaska49]

Let it be known that it wouldn't take a high place in this ranking for me to roast someone in the song's behalf. I didn't earn all of those titles in my signature for nothing. (Though I have grown soft and all of those titles are old. I think I will add BrianChinn52 to them just to have a new one.)

Yes, I am using capitalization! This means I am getting to it right now!!!

100. We All Poop - All The Blood (Positive Song Actually)
Eurovision Song CZ - 4th place

Eurovision Song CZ was one of our first NFs and it was a very strong and balanced one, with five incredibly solid competitors, one serviceable and acceptable attempt, and also Karelll was a competitor. There wasn't a clear favourite, and for a good stretch of the less than two-weeks long process (take some fucking notes, Estonia and Finland), it felt like We All Poop would win. It felt like they were the most inside Czech Republic's wheelhouse, and that's exactly why I didn't want them to win. It's good to be alternative but really, branch out.

But then they did branch out and this song came fourth place! The fact they didn't win allowed me to appreciate this song more than I did before it lost. It's very good British-inspired indie rock with a strong video committed to its message (I usually don't have much time in my heart for veganism for a variety of reasons but these dudes seem to do it better than most) that I am sure could be converted to an effective Eurovision staging. It's a testament to how good this season was that this is only #100 because I listened to so much of this kind of sound when I was an arrogant 20 year old gay.

99. GARNA - Who We Are?
Vidbir - Semifinal 2, 8th place

VIDBEST STAYS WINNING.

Vidbir was such a good NF that this song, that I loved, came last televote and last jury and I didn't begrudge the decision whatsoever (other than the continued existence of David Axelrod) because... well, the field was just that strong. This is a nice song, the kind of heavier, guitar-based pop that should have more of a mark in this contest, the staging was competent enough, and Alyona performed with passion (that high note is very Fire Emoji), but when your NF is so good, that alone isn't enough. Having an incredible red leather overcoat isn't enough. And Who We Are? was just out of its depth, what with the fact I can't really understand most of those lyrics even though the song is in English, or that everyone else was going for it harder with staging even if they had worse songs, or the fact Go_A had just performed in Semi 1 with a better song and a similar concept and color scheme for staging. GARNA just paid the price of being Ukrainian. Truly, a country that suffers from success.

98. Kamela Islamaj - Më Ngjyros
Festivali i Këngës - 6th place

By reading through social media, this board and even my own posts, you would think that FiK 58 only had two competitors: Elvana Gjata, who was robbed, and Arilena Ara, who robbed her. But wait! There were other competitors in this FiK! At least three. Probably more.

At first, Kamela wasn't on my radar much - she was my 10th place of the 20 FiK songs before the show. A Bond song - it's nice, it's listenable, but been there, done that. Do we need new Bond songs? Conchita Wurst existed six years ago. You are not defeating that. But of course, Eurovision and its extended universe is an audiovisual experience, and Kamela wasn't just going to be some non-descript girl in a white suit doing a Bond song (right, Alicja?). Kamela aspired for more.

​

YOU HAD ME AT INTRICATE COLOURFUL BODY PAINT. The bouffant skirt and the entire gallon of glitter hair gel are also incredible touches. I was 100% sold. If you are going to give me a song that isn't really out of the ordinary, you better deliver the visual part hard. Kamela did, and for that I appreciate her dearly. It made the song grow on me enough to make this ranking.

This is her semifinal performance and the grand final one isn't nearly this iconic, though still noteworthy.

Kamela, I think you might have too few hair clips and might need a few more. Like... three whole boxes more? Also, exemplary use of purple make-up. Naomi Campbell wouldn't have a word to say about it. Coco Rocha is quaking. Kamela Islamaj is a fashionista, you guys.

97. Germanas Skoris - Chemistry (Breaking Free)
Pabandom iš naujo - Semifinal 2, 5th place

I have been calling this the Freaky Friday year because most countries have not been delivering what we expected of them in one way or another, and nowhere this was clearer than in Lithuania. This country was the butt of so many jokes and derision by so many fans for years, for having bad Eurovision entries and an embarrassing, way too long NF, though it had been improving in the last two years (aka, they actually had a good song or two in the mix). And then, this year, out of nowhere, Atranka changed its name and became amazing. Lithuania, delivering incredible, well-produced, well-staged songs one after the other? What world is this?

Pabandom was so good that Chemistry, which in previous Lithuanian years I would cling to as one of the sole good non-ridiculous entries of the bunch, got so lost in the hurricane of awesomeness that it actually advanced from its heat despite not being top 6 on either the televote or the juries. BOTTOM FEEDING KING. I really wish that this advanced to the final from the semifinal it was in, but this is Lithuania's first year of being good and they made so many good decisions in this NF that I can't begrudge some minor mistakes. Ultimately, I wouldn't want Germanas to win, even if this song comes straight from Radiohead's pre-Kid A era and Radiohead is one of my favourite bands ever (Trophy Unlocked: Some of Alaska49's Backstory? There will be more, probably). It actually shocks me with every listen how much this sounds like Radiohead. It's only missing Thom Yorke's "My pronunciation isn't much different from Billie Eilish's but the world isn't ready for this conversation" voice. The staging is Rock Song Staging 101, but I am fine with that. And with Germanas's bassist. Mmmm. Put him in the spotlight, damn.

96. Sasha Letty - Summer of Love
O melodie pentru Kirkorov - 19th place

With no jury points and an astoundingly low number of 37 televotes, Sasha Letty is easily the least successful entry to make it to this ranking, but who needs success when you have RAW UNFILTERED TALENT?

And a bartender/dancer boytoy to pretend-slap as choreography? And two backing vocals who do all the vocal heavylifting for you even though they sound hilariously different from you? And a glamorous dress made of iridescent plastic as if you are some sort of Greta Thunberg nightmare with your female dancers wearing colour-matching boots? And an unapologetic summer trash anthem? Moldova, you can kiss her right here and keep your shitty chair-based PRISAAAAAAN. Sasha Letty knows she is the real winner here. Stick those 37 votes in Kirkorov's overly trimmed ass.

 

[BorisBubbles]

Oh my this is like giving mother's milk to a starved baby.

I have not much to add about GARNA or WAP, you covered both well. I like both, but love neither.

Now miss KAMILA coming out of nowhere to serve looks *was* a delight I had completely forgotten about and was happy to rediscovered here. Wearing so many hairpins she turned her own fucking hair into a haute couture hat

The radiohead - germanas comparison didn't even occur to me back in the day, but it's so painfully obvious now that you mention it. (lmfao Billie DOES sound a bit like thom yorke that bit made me spit out my bloodorange juice). Anyway "Chemistry" had SUCH a wild ride. Unmitigated trainwreck in the semi (333333333), suddenly turning competent in the semi and almost qualifying over The Backs. LEGEND.

Speaking of Legends, OMPE was one of the few selections I totally didn't follow which made the discovery of Sasha Letty all the sweeter. TRENDSETTING QUEN.

 

[Alaska49]

Let me get five more entries in because I am not sure I will be able to update tomorrow!

95. Alen Chicco - Somewhere Out There
Pabandom iš naujo - Semifinal 1, 6th place

I know I just said in the write-up for Germanas that Pabandom shed its Atranka shell of being ridiculous and embarrassing and became better in every single way, but Alen Chicco... was better in the ridiculous, "lol of course this is happening in Lithuania" element with The Cure last year. Now, don't get me wrong, Somewhere Out There is an incredible, powerful song, and Alen still gave us two great looks, this Grace Jones-inspired brilliance in the semifinal and the "Michalis Rakintzis is dead in a Greek ditch" look of the heat performance, but, you know... there were better ballads already in Pabandom, let alone the whole Eurovision Audiovisual Universe this year, and Alen served more iconic, if less polished, looks last year. Not to mention gimmicks! The wheelchair he used in the heat performance of The Cure is my belief system.

Yes, we should not pigeon-hole an artist and expect them to deliver the same thing every time they release their work. It's not what I am saying, and I do appreciate Alen Chicco showed a vastly different side of him in this entry, which I appreciated very much. But the times changed, he was in a much stronger field, and Somewhere Out There didn't reach the heights that The Cure did. When Semi 1 arrived, he was not in my top 4 of that day. It's not where I wanted him to be, because as an artist, I wish him success more than basically anyone else in that country. He represents so much that I want to see thriving. I hope he tries Pabandom (will it go back to being Atranka?) again. I am sure he can keep reinventing himself and be even more successful and maybe eventually even win this NF.

94. Naiva - Baš, baš
Beovizija - 2nd place

What a delightfully mismatched entry The song is great, the dancers are great, Naiva is a great performer, the lyrics are good, and then none of these pieces actually work together, which is why it's only here in #94 but it's also what makes it kind of hilarious. Why does she have those sleek dancers for this very Balkan-sounding song? Why is she wearing a floral overcoat over pants and a polka-dot top to match said dancers? Naiva is super charismatic but if you don't speak Serbian would you get that she is actually singing about someone she loves who actually loves someone else just from watching her? I have no idea how all of this came to be, but really, I love it.

And speaking of things that I have no idea how they came to be: Beovizija 2020 was such an out-and-about coronation of Our Queens Most High Hurricane that being 4th in the televote and 3rd in the jury was enough to make Naiva the runner-up in the final, even though she advanced from Semi 2 in fourth place. WHAT. Everything about Baš, baš is so nonsensical. Iconic.

93. Hege Bjerk - Pang
Melodi Gran Prix - Semifinal 4, Duel 2 Loser

By the time Semi 4 of MGP came around, we all knew we were in for a shitshow and we were lucky if we survived this mess with a good entry in our hands. And then some days before the semi, Ulrikke descended from Mørland's diamond castle in the skies to grab this Apollo-forsaken competition by its balls and save it from itself with World's Greatest Aural Delight Attention, which was when I really didn't give a shit to the four competitors in Semi 4. I guess I didn't hate Pang from listening to it, but eh. ULRIKKE ULRIKKE ULRIKKE ULRIKKE ULRIKKE. I was too busy screaming Attention in the streets of São Paulo thinking about my entirely hopeless married straight boy crush (Trophy Unlocked: More Alaska49 Backstory) to have a care about which hapless miscreant would survive this semifinal only to die in Ulrikke's hands in the final.

And then Hege Bjerk said, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO TO GET YOUR ATTENTION??????"

(jacked straight from @Loindici's signature, thanks darling x)​

Oh yessss, honey. This outfit. Those dance moves. Hege delivering crazy eyes 100% of the time in this performance. Svala must be so, so proud of you. Hege was in this entirely for herself and nobody else and she clearly didn't give a shit if she was weirding the entire population of Norway out. You definitely got my attention. As I said before, if your song isn't very out of the ordinary, which Pang isn't (I believe I described it as a Melodifestivalen semifinal 5th placer when it was out?), you better deliver the visual part, and by god, Hege did.

Hege lost her duel to those horrible tenors with their atrocious shithouse Frozen reject and that's why coronavirus exists today. THE END. I hope she tries MGP again. Maybe she could, too, win in three years with a heartfelt ballad by Mørland about how you want that stupid boy to NOTICE HOW YOU FEEL GODDAMNIT, but keeping this weird shit going would probably be a better course.

92. Katrina Dimanta - Heart Beats
Supernova - 2nd place

Oh, Katrina. I should have put my Don't Let Samanta Tina Win eggs in your basket all along when I wanted that to happen. To me, you are the face of Latvia. When Aarzemnieki, which she participated in, won in 2014 over that horrifying ballad by Dons and, of course, Samanta Tina (with her best attempt! I like Still Breathing now, but Stay was iconic trash!), it really symbolized everything Latvia loved in their entries, which is dreckitude. Before 2014, they just had no musical quality whatsoever to attach to that dreckitude, but Cake to Bake was a delightful little number and since then they have had many good attempts at being this kind of weird in Supernova, proving that Old Latvia is dead and the New Latvia, created by Aminata from a single thread of red linen, is here to stay forever. Heart Beats is the best attempt at this branding since Sundance by ElektroFolk in 2015 (PS: Supernova 2015 is a revelation that was only surpassed now by Pabandom 2020. Absoutely brilliant). Of course this would have won if Latvians had their way. It's so Latvia. Nowadays, I am glad the Gremlins (have I really got this going as the name of Samanta's fans?) have triumphed because Still Breathing won me over, but I would not be sad about having Heart Beats on Eurovision at all.

91. Manca Berlec - Večnost
EMA - 10th place

CUTE LESBIAN GODDESS

Večnost stood out to me since the audio came out as a very pleasant little number. Some people might think it's boring filler, but I found it cute from the get-go, and the lyrics are sooooo hopelessly romantic, it's adorable. The song is very unpretentious and doesn't try to be more than a simple beachfront-with-your-partner kind of thing.

And then she showed up in EMA looking like that.

THE PINK SUIT THE BOW TIE THE RAINBOW HEART PIN. MY FEELINGS. Protect this little lesbian (I have checked her insta; it's a deal) at all costs. This was the most personality shown in all of EMA, and she has my loyalty for that. I hope this isn't the last we see of her in the Eurovision Audiovisual Universe. If you just want to have a bit of a smile for 3 minutes, watch Večnost and be happy with yourself for a while.

 

[Alaska49]

90. Irina Kit - Chain Reaction
O melodie pentru Kirkorov - 14th place

Really? This is penned by John Ballard? And THIS wasn't the entry backed by Kirkorov like other John Ballard entries? For shame. This is delightful. The Tinkerbell dress, the Kalomira hairdo (and also Kalomira vocals - no tea, no shade), the piano, the boytoy dancer (Moldovan theme this year tbh), all of that coupled with a genuinely nice song that sounds like the third single of a pop diva from 2008 that got like #23 in the Billboard Hot 100. This is much better than PRISAAAAAAAN, which in my opinion doesn't even count as a song. Another gem wasted in the North Korean presidental election that was this NF, and there are still others to go through. SIGH. Hopefully coronavirus will claim Kirkorov this year.

89. Lorena Bućan - Drowning
Dora - 5th place

Speaking of overweight flamboyant closeted egomaniacal assholes meddling in NFs and ruining all of our lives, Jacques Houdek. Our dear Lorena came guns blazing in a pretty barren Dora 2019 with Tower of Babylon, an iconic anthem reminding us both of Ruslana and of the old Maltese NF because this kind of tackiness thrived the most there. Once resident searing hot human Luka Nižetić decided to waste Certified Bop(tm) Brutalero on this world's most horrifying staging, the path seemed clear for Lorena to win Dora, but NOPE. Jacques Houdek had kidnapped some random kid from the woods who had clearly never seen humans before and put him through the hoops to sing a frankly disturbing screamfest about dreaming of love or whatever and all of Croatia was immediately mesmerized and Lorena was slain. SAD. I hope Roko is safe from Houdek's claws now, btw, that always struck me as a bit of a Marina Joyce situation.

Anyway. What do you do when injustice strikes down your dear ready-for-Eurovision song just like that? Why, you submit it again, god damn it, and may God protect anyone who dares to stop you! Drowning sounds exactly like Tower of Babylon, her mannerisms are the same as in Tower of Babylon, and both entries are really only separated by the different outfits, and when I realized that watching Dora live, I just started to laugh because that takes some balls. The strategy of just attempting basically the same song again until it wins is hilarious to me. More people should try it, if only for my entertainment. Sadly for Lorena, Dora 2020 was a much more competitive affair than the previous year, and she got a 5th place that doesn't feel as nearly as unjust as her 2nd place in 2019. Oh well. Here's hoping she just submits Tower of Babylon a third time next year.

88. MEANDI - Drip
Pabandom iš naujo - 6th place

Me, in the first few seconds of this in the heat: Oh, god, Lithuania. This heat was so good until now, but you just can't help yourself, can you? You will submit me to this. It's EVERY YEAR. Insert that video of Jasmine Masters saying AGAIN? A-FUCKING-GAIN. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Me, before MEANDI was even done: YELLOW BLUE VANS BRAND NEW JACKET WITH SOME BLUE ASS PANTS SAY WHAT YOU WANT DRIPPING AIN'T GONNA END AIN'T GONNA END AIN'T GONNA END

Pabandom was so good this year that even the token lunatic rapper was great! Drip is infectious and funny, not to mention very competently staged (the commitment to yellow and blue is commendable even if not the easiest on the eyes after a while but then again my myopia is off the charts [Trophy Unlocked: Alaska49's Medical History]). The song was already fine in the first two minutes because the rapping is legitimately good (in Lithuania! the concept!) and turned the inane subject of straight male fashion (I mean, I love the entry, but would I ever dress like MEANDI? uh) into a good song, but then he introduces us to the hook and it's so good that it's entirely justified that he does nothing else with the song until the end.

MEANDI is so ridiculous that I was fully expecting him to be embraced by the public and be more of a televote threat but I guess competence is contagious (Does it spread as quickly as coronavirus? Can we get it to spread in Denmark and Estonia?) because the public embraced the more sober entries to the point that he was advanced to the final by the jury. The jury! Lithuanians wouldn't put his in their final! The people who were perfectly content with artists who literally smashed chairs and watermelons on stage only 3 years prior! Things can change so fast.

87. Pia Nina - Tukaj in zdaj
EMA Fresh - 3rd jury, 10th televote

First things first: I hate when people just type "EMA Fres". Freš is just a Slovenian transliteration of "Fresh", so if you don't have a keyboard to do an "š", as I don't sometimes, just say "EMA Fresh". "Fres" is nothing. It's not a word. Best regards, my possible undiagnosed OCD.

So, EMA Fresh. DISAPPOINTMENT. From the protracted format that made it hard to follow pre-televised show to the quality of the field that made it to the show itself, it wasn't the best result for a genuinely good idea. And of course, the cherry on the cake was that the best songs didn't even get to advance to EMA. Ugh. Pia Nina was better than most EMA acts (including the winner......................), from her pink outfit and stage lights to the fact she looks like Sophie Ellis-Bextor to her song, which also sounds like something Sophie Ellis-Bextor would do now that she is not an EDM queen anymore. It looks more composed and more confident than people they decided to send straight to EMA. Slovenia was just a bunch of bad decisions stacked on top of each other this year, the worst one being this was LAAAAAAAAST in the EMA Fresh televote. LAST. Fucking Slovenes and their fucking lack of hearing what the fuck is wrong with them. SURRENDER TO THE PINK NOW. They better pick Pia Nina for EMA next year as historical reparation. This girl has so much potential. I hope she returns in all pink again.

86. Roxen - Storm
Selecția Națională - 2nd place

HI, I'M KYLE AM STORM. I SMILE FOR A MILE BREAK THE WALLS AND I TAKE CONTROL.

Really, this song won me over from the teaser just because of HI I AM STORM. I could never get this out of my system. THE IMPACT of the United Sirens of America always stan talent. I guess it's not Roxen's intent since Storm is supposed to be empowering and sober and all of that, but nope, it's a comedy song for me now. The live didn't help matters much in that regard, since her outfit was gloriously horrendous (it is, too, my dream to look like a vagrant piece of plankton in the NF created just for me), the drawn-selfie backdrop was ugly and just looked like a Liza Misnikova rejected idea (this is a surprisingly common theme among entries in this NF season? THE IMPACT of Pepelny tbh ), and her performance was... well she wasn't throwing it like the first two songs of the NF but that doesn't make it GOOD, does it?

Still. Most people don't have Tyra Banks-induced brainworms like I do, and for those people, Storm is a relatively unique and genuinely good song that would make a much wiser choice for Eurovision than Alcohol You if she really, really didn't stand Cherry Red whatsoever. Alcohol You was always at the risk of being overshadowed by similar ideas and now it will probably be eaten whole by the great Bulgarian juggernaut. I don't understand why we even had an NF if they were going to pick a song this transparently from the beginning. And it wasn't even the best one! Not even close! So many good songs wasted on a girl that didn't want them and can't even perform them right. With every passing day it becomes harder to support anything about this Roxen ordeal, to be honest. Maybe she is too young for this whole endeavour? Anyway, Storm was the entry Romania should have picked out of the three songs that people actually cared about.

 

[Alaska49]

why was this board dead for the longest time these last two days? when i had time yesterday it was down and now that it's back up i don't have time to update. next update will come tomorrow

am i posting this just to give this a shameless bump? MAYBE pls stream my ranking on spotify

 

[BorisBubbles]

I was going to post!!!!!!!!!! but then the board died and I didn't feel like re-writing it all again :'(

the ranking is FIRE tho so plz continue boo...x

 

[opinionsigotem]

98. It's truly impressive that Kamela, in the very first show of the NF season, also had the worst outfit of the whole thing.
96. YAAAASSSSS those 37 votes were ALL from me Unashamed to say it's in my top 10 most played of the season
95. Alen was recently gaybashed in a Lithuanian nightclub :/ sometimes the world is so mean ---jack vidgen
94. Naiva chinless goddess runner up queen
92. Oh yeah, this really elevated in the live performance, it's not a shock this was the Latvian public's pick.
91. I agree, so summery, so relaxing, so queer.
89. BRUTALERO'S STAGING WAS FUN SORRY THAT PEOPLE DARE TO SHOW PERSONALITY ON STAGE ETC. also yeah Lorena was not as good this time
88. Count me in among the people who was won over by MEANDI and considered him a worthy finalist even though there were swathes of other songs more to my taste, hope he comes back!

 

[Alaska49]

89. BRUTALERO'S STAGING WAS FUN SORRY THAT PEOPLE DARE TO SHOW PERSONALITY ON STAGE ETC

there is a difference between being fun and being an overcrowded textmarker-coloured monstrosity it was the eurovision equivalent of that pizza quesadilla recipe that always looks like it will stop adding shit and then it absolutely doesn't how does a guy as hot as him with that song lose the support of this gay with absolutely no dignity? but he did

 

[Alaska49]

85. Catarina Sandu - Die for You
O melodie pentru Kirkorov - 4th place

Catarina: So, how did the test audience react to my song? Did they love it?? Can I submit it to the national final?
Catarina's Assistant: Well, um...
Catarina: Well, what???
Catarina's Assistant: I don't think they thought it's very memorable.
Catarina: How??? It's a good song! It's catchy! It's modern! Tropical house isn't that dated yet! I got some legit Greek and Swedish names to compose it for me!! One of them composed Aphrodisiac, for God's sake!!
Catarina's Assistant: Yes, they liked it! Nobody had a bad word to say about it. But they quickly moved on to the other songs people were submitting. Nobody seemed to be particularly smitten.
Catarina: Well, that just won't do! I need to be remembered. I know I won't win this NF because I have seen Kirkorov's gay ass around TRM's studios these days so this entire thing will be rigged for whichever piece of shit song he is submitting, but that doesn't mean I can't use this opportunity to make a mark. I'm not going to be IGNORED, Dan!!!
Catarina's Assistant: Well, the visual part is as important as the song in the NF, you know. If we get the staging down, everyone will remember you!
Catarina: But what can I do to match this song and be visually impactful? It's called Die for You. I can't just show up there dead, Dan.
Catarina's Assistant: Wait a minute. Showing up dead? How about a Dia de los Muertos theme for your staging? It doesn't match the song, but when has that ever mattered before?
Catarina: OH MY GOD. That's genius. I'm going to look so good in skull makeup and a flower crown! And then I can have some choreo to match. This is the best idea ever. I love you so much, Dan!!! If I get top 5 in the NF, you are so getting a raise.

84. DIMMA - Almyrkvi
Söngvakeppnin - 2nd place

You had me at metal song in an Eurovision NF.

Seriously, when do they go wrong? They are so rare to begin with, and when such a band submits themselves to an NF even though they know they will face sort of an uphill battle since it's out of the Eurovision taste, they usually submit something they know it's a good effort for them and it's going to cause an impact. Almyrkvi is no different. In fact, I feel it's a bit Metal in Eurovision 101, which is why it's not that high in this ranking? It's no AWS or anything. They get everything right, from being in Not English to having a strong chorus to having impeccable fashion sense to having the requisite one unbelievably hot member (in their case it's the drummer), but they don't really go above and beyond - even for Söngvakeppnin standards their staging has basically nothing and the bridge of Almyrkvi is weaker than both the verses and the chorus which is unusual for an Eurovision song.

Still, really good song that I wouldn't have minded to have seen in Eurovision if Daði wasn't there being so good he got the haters to create some Netflix gossip about him. They deservedly went to the Superfinal over Iva even after being last with the juries, which is some bullshit we really need to discuss more. LAST? With Ísold & Helga right there??? I know it was actually pretty close in the jury between the non-Daðis, but still, ridiculous. The four jurors that put DIMMA last should be tried in The Hague. If Klemens Hannigan and Edward af Sillén are among them, they are sooooo dead to me 5ever.

(In fact, one of those four jurors ranked the songs as Ísold & Helga > Daði > Nína > Iva > DIMMA, so, you know, never ever work with music again?)

83 - EJO - Trag
Beovizija - 12th place

This song is the most hilarious bait-and-switch of the entire NF season and that's a lot of the reason why it made it to this ranking. It starts with a very somber, Kate Bush in The Dreaming era kind of instrumental and the first time I listened to Trag, I was soooo excited that we were going to get some actual Kate Bush realness in an NF. So mystical! So ethereal! So powerful!

And then after exactly one minute it instantly becomes a cruise ship song and all mysticism is lost rofl. It was such a stark change that I wasn't even disappointed, I just started to laugh, also because "cruise ship song" is a surprising recurring theme of this NF season, one that I didn't get to touch in these reviews so far, and won't in the future because let's be real, the genre is trash as fuck. Trag is the one song that did it right without being embarrassing. But really, it was A THING in multiple NFs. Norway had two of them! And both were horrible!! What a journey!

What also makes Trag work in this silly genre is that both the bait-and-switch and the high-pitched style of singing makes it very reminescent of J-pop of the last decade and prior, which was when J-pop actually mostly worked, so of course it makes sense that I like Trag. Much like good J-pop of yore, the instrumentation in this song is very rich, even in the cruise ship portion of the song. It's a very pleasant listen. They also did a good job live but apparently not enough because it was last televote and last jury. SADDEST. I guess I should be glad they advanced over the crap that Beovizija had in Semi 1.

82. Lavinia Rusu - Touch
O melodie pentru Kirkorov - 7th place

And so the first piece of the ICONIC 1-2-3-4-5 punch of awesome of the Moldovan NF falls (is it a spoiler that all five made it to the top 100? Obviously not). The Moldovița - Touch - Do It Slow - Dale Dale - My Wine sequence should be mandatory viewing to all Eurofans to learn what FUN is. I am still pissed Moldova gave us non-stop entertainment for 15 minutes on a mere formality because they had already sold the victory to PRISAAAAAAAN.

Touch is unapologetic trash europop with unapologetic trash outfits and unapologetic trash (but somehow over-rehearesed ) choreography. ONE TWO THREE FOUR DURUM DURUUUUUM I'M CHASING YOUR TOUCH. Lavinia only needs to sing that line once for it to infect your brain faster than coronavirus infected the world, but don't worry, she repeats it as much as possible. As that hook takes over your brain and shuts down all rational thinking, all that is left for you is to admire Lavinia's Gangnam Style nosejob and industrial strength hairspray that keeps her hairdo stronger than my longing for attention even with all of her dancing. Touch is an audiovisual revolution for the braincells. This feels like it should have been in the Romanian NF, had it not been The Roxen Bum-Note-Fest Starring Roxen as Roxen this year. It vibes more Romanian than Moldovan if that makes sense, which it absolutely does shut up.

81. Anis Don Demina - Vem e Som Oss
Melodifestivalen - 5th place

Calling out all @RainyWoods I need mini-GIFs of your husband #37 (I don't keep count of other people's husbands so I am estimating).

Anis was in Melfest this year to have the journey that is usually reserved to some random old man with a schlager: go to Andra Chansen, get a lot of public hype after the semi, have all the fans go BUT WHAT IF HE WINS THE TELEVOTE AND BEATS OUR FAVOURITE?????? when, um, you guys, he went to Andra Chansen and Robin Stjernberg only happened once as an elaborate prank to rob us of both Martin Rolinski and Yohio because Sweden exists first and foremost to not allow us to have nice things in Eurovision. Obviously, Anis didn't do that well in the televote in the final and actually depended on a surprisingly good jury score to get his 5th place.

But whatever, we are here for the F-U-N, and Anis delivered it in spades, while actually delivering a really good and uplifting message behind all the crazy antics on stage and the fun he had in his backdrops. I think a lot of people just saw a chubby guy being a bit silly and rapping on the stage and didn't actually bother to learn what this song is actually about. It certainly holds a lot more meaning to me than the song that actually won Melfest this year, which some people will act like is sooooo touching or whatever. As someone who has struggled with weight and body issues my whole life (Trophy Unlocked: More Alaska49 Backstory), seeing a guy like Anis (who is not only overweight but also the son of immigrants, which is an experience I have no idea how it feels like) being absolutely confident and in control of the image he wants other people to have of him, to outright tell people there won't be others like us... it's legitimately uplifting to me. Yes, Vem e Som Oss made it to this ranking chiefly for the lyrics, even though I just said we were here for the fun. Crazy how things work out, huh?